I had a recent heart-breaking experience when my son, who is profoundly deaf, asked me “Why Can’t I be Normal?” It was one of those moments as a parent, where your head searches frantically for the correct acceptable answer, while your heart bursts as you blink back tears.
For me, in our family’s journey through this disability, acceptance has been the hardest thing to achieve. Most days I tell myself I am there, some days I actually feel like I am. This question from him though, made me think for the first time about my child’s own acceptance of his disability, and his obvious deep desire not to be seen as different. In the desire to be seen as normal, all children are the same, whether they have a disability or not.
So how did I respond? I pointed out all the little differences between everyone, from people wearing glasses, to people in wheelchairs, to people with different coloured hair and skin. I told him that he will always be deaf, that I can’t change that for him, nor would I want to (my husband would disagree!). I pointed out that he would not be the wonderful person he is, with his great gift of fun, and his talent for drama and mime, if he were hearing. I gave him the “Mammy routine”, but even though he smiled back at me, I don’t think he bought it. Perhaps he sensed my own inner struggle and inner rage at the complete injustice of it all, which parents of children with a disability tend to squash, so that we can keep up the fight to obtain as close to “normal” a life for our children as possible.
I have no perfect answer, but I am thankful to him for asking the question. I am thankful to him for all that he brings to our family. Much as I might love to, I cannot make him into his desired version of normal. All I can hope is that in time he will be 100% comfortable in his own skin, and that he will come to realise that there is no normal, there is only acceptance of difference.
Deirdre Burke is the principal at DM Burke Solicitors and specialises in family law, child law and civil litigation. Deirdre is on the Executive of the Family Lawyers Association of Ireland , and a member of the Association of Collaborative Practitioners (Irish & International), the East Coast Collaborative Lawyers Group, and the South East Collaborative Family Law Solicitors. She is a trained Family Law Mediator and runs her own independent Mediation Practice deirdreburkemediation.ie She founded “The Guardian Children’s Project”, a charity providing direct support services to children experiencing parental separation, divorce & bereavement. Contact: Tel: +353 402 24370 or +353 1 6641559 or email: info@dmburke.ie